With today being the 1st of March, it seems like a most excellent day for Resolve and Resolutions. It's been a tough week emotionally here at Chez Chaos, for many reasons, but I've come out of it with some deeper understanding of myself.
I lost- well, you can argue it's been more than half of my life- barely functioning due to depression. I've never actually allowed myself to acknowledge that depression profoundly and deeply influences who I am. For most of the time, I am mildly dysfunctional and would rather sit on the sofa than get on with life and live it. I'll forget things, get it wrong, be unable to cope with a problem or a crisis. Often, the depression will take a minor problem- like money- to a huge, insurmountable crisis. Sometimes, however, things get so bad that self-abuse starts creeping in- neglecting myself or overeating.
Critically, my teenage depression has had a legacy on my education. I made it through school with decent results, but that wasn't because I worked or learnt anything. That's because I'm a bright girl with an outstanding memory, I can write a decent essay and I can cram when I have to and I'm told to. When I'm faced with self-directed learning- like at university, like now, with my entry-level OU course- I don't have the skills I need to succeed. I didn't learn them. And the old black dog of depression, soaking up all my time way back then in my teenage years is a large part of the reason WHY I didn't learn the skills that mattered. If education is, in fact, a whole of life process then the end exam results are not what matters. What matters is that you learn how to learn, a lesson that will carry you throughout your life, and if this is what counts then I failed. There's some pretty hefty lessons in there for me as a parent as well, feel free to extrapolate and discuss if you wish.
I have a plan in place for how to deal with this, but that isn't what's most important. For me, it feels like I need to acknowledge this, acknowledge the huge impact that depression has had on my life in order to be able to move on and past it. It doesn't matter what other 31 year olds are doing, for I am me and my experiences are my own. I have resolution, in and of myself. It feels good.
Oh,and if you're reading, Rachel, thankyou.
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:hug I'm sorry you have such a difficult road to walk. I think that your resolution can pull you through.
ReplyDeleteFRF
Oh hey! I can talk a load of crap sometimes I'm sure but if you find a little twinkle in there that fits with where you are at I am glad.
ReplyDeleteYou knit beautiful and very complex garments Helen, I don't believe that I could knit like you do! The FOs seem to large, too overwhelming, the stitches too complex, the instructions too numerous. Take heart from your ability to turn fuzzy sheep's wool into things of such beauty and usefulness and see yourself using those same skills (name them here....) to achieve new things in the future.